Thank you everyone who has wondered if I'm okay - I've been a bit quiet blogging this week!
To be honest, I've been a bit down this week. Today, five years ago, my daughter, Billie-Lee, died. She actually died before her birth today, five years ago.
After having Zane 12 years ago, I had six miscarriages (all between 12 and 18 weeks) and one ectopic pregancy. When I fell pregnant (aged 37) with Billie, we were again absolutely terrified that this one would go wrong too.
The pregnancy progressed perfectly and when I passed the 28 week mark we were so sure everything was fine. We even set up the nursery, because she was such a wanted child. Actually, I even relaxed about it all and started getting very excited about her arrival. We had even put the capsule in the car.
This was my first pregnancy that went to full term. I went into labour two days before my due date. Tim took me to the hospital. We went into the labour ward and the midwives did their usual stuff.
When a doctor finally arrived, he failed to find a heartbeat. It was then we realised that our darling, much wanted daughter had died. As you can imagine, we were absolutely devestated.
At 9:00am on August 11, 2001, I delivered naturally a perfectly "healthy" newborn baby girl weighing 6 pound 7 ounces who was dead. The pain of delivering a child who will never take a breathe, who was silent, was almost too much for me to bear.
Whoops, getting a bit teary now. Send a thought my way during the day and hug your babies, no matter how difficult they are during the day. I know I will be doing that to my little handfuls today!
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20 comments:
Jill I am sending you a big cyber hug ( I am in tears just reading your post) I can only begin to imagine the heart ache you must be feeling and even though I can not begin to know what you are going through if you need anyone to talk to I will listen.
Sending lots of love your way.
Crissy
oxoxox
It took me a while to post this comment...couldn't see the screen for quite some time from the tears. I'm so sorry Jill for your loss. Your words were so beautiful. Here for you if you want to chat at all. I have pretty big ears.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers today.
((((HUGS)))) honey,
Lus x
I was just reading Crissy's blog and had to come and give you a 'cyber hug'
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
Thinking of you...(((Hugs)))
Belinda
xx
Oh Jill, you've just moved me to tears. Having Elijah's birth still so fresh in my mind I can just imagine the pain you and your husband went through. I am sending up some prayers for comfort for you and your family today.
Nat
Hey Jill....I just wanted you to know that you are awesome. I will send you nothing but great thoughts and I am off to kiss my babies. Thanks for sharing with us all....Hope
Wow...I don't know what to say. I can only say that I am thinking of you Jill. Big hugs to your and your kids while I go and hug mine.
Take care, Sarah xxxx
Jill our thoughts are with you today, and forever. Your feelings are beautiful and I am sure that this world is a lot better place because of you. Lots of love and thoughts for a wonderful gently person you are. Keep your wonderful memories and had a geat day with your loving kids
Love
Judee
Jill - I'm so sorry. Sending big hugs and prayers of comfort your way. Take care. Jas xoxo
sending cyberhugs to you. i know how you feel, i had 3 miscarriages myself. till this day i still think what i would have been like. i'm sure billie-lee is watching over all of you in heaven.
xx Sara.
I'm so glad we could spend some time together today. I hope that it helped to make the day a hppy one. I hope it gets easier each year. Nothing more to say, you know how I feel.
Oh Jill, that must have been such a horribly painful time in your life!! I feel for you and for your little one who never got to know her beautiful mum and dad. I will give my girls and extra big hug in the morning.
Sorry, that was me.
I have followed a link from Crissy's blog, but wanted to also give you a cyber hug. I lost my little boy 9 years ago this year.
My thoughts are with you and your family
Jill, I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. What a devastating thing to have happen to you and your husband. My thoughts are with you at this time. Big hugs. Leone. XXXX
It is hard to put myself in your shoes Jill, I think you are amazing and to go through something like that would have been devastating. There is no reason in something like that happening. Thinking of you and yours...
only a mother can know what it feels like to cradle a growing life inside.
Jill you have brought me to tears here...You have shown me how strong a woman you are, how very special, and how very hard some days can be..
god bless you, and your beautiful family, here on earth and in heaven..
hugssss
Oh Jill, I am in tears reading your post. My heart goes out to you. Lots of Hugs!
-bucket
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